I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
