Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize