I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
