I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my shit smells like andre
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize