watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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