god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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