Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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