Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
