I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
