my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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