When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
