I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
