Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
