Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
