If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize