I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize