those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
