Pregnant stripper...not hot.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
