I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
