my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just found puke in my bra..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
