i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
