Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
