Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
