I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
