Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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