Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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