I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
