Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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