Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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