Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Randomize