Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
