On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
