You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
