Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
