she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize