I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
