someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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