Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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