I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
