saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
