I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
