hell yes lets make some ravioli
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
