woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
