Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
