She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize