the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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