Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
