Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
