I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
