I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
