My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
being pregnant is like rehab
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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