Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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