Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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