If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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