I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
