Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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