Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
