Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
