my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
