Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
