Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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