You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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