Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
