remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
